Category Archives: Dave’s Rules

This Just In — New Derogatory Term!

A nonafone in action

If your insults are getting stale, I have good news.  I have been introduced to a new derogatory term that I think you may be able to put to good use!  I’ve already been using it with famous results.

The term is, ‘nonafone.’ NON-a-FON (hard O) noun:  One who does not posses a contemporary approach to technology and is prone to misunderstanding and inefficiency.

Basically it is those who do not harness the technology of the current day.

So many examples come to mind, here are a few:

1.  Lost:  “How do I get to (insert location)?”  2012 answer:  Take out your phone, write the name of the place you are looking for, then click ‘get directions.’  That’s how you get there; stop wasting my time.

2.  Tired:  “It’s such a pain to sync/share (insert anything) with my computer and/or wife, friends.”  2012 answer:  What do you mean?  Everything I do magically syncs with the people and devices I choose.  No, there is not a driver to load.  Please keep your wire away from my computer.

3.  Uninformed: “I don’t know or I can’t remember (insert any fact).”  2012 answer:  Let me look it up on my pocket sized set of books that contain all of the information in the world…3 minute pass…Oh, here it is, the answer is (insert answer)”  Stop trying to remember everything and try to remember people’s names instead.  Your phone can handle everything else.  Which is more important?

Frequently asked questions about the new word, nonafone:

Can nonafones have smart phones and/or tablets?

Answer:  Yes, if you have a smart devvice but use it only as a phone, you are a nonafone.  For example, the guy who bench presses at my gym with his IPad on his chest is a nonafone.

Do you have to have a smart phone to avoid being a nonafone?

Answer:  Possibly not, you may be able to harness someone else’s smart phone to get by.  You might also be able to carry around a laptop but they don’t make good armbands for laptops and they suck to run with.

Common uses:

“Look at that nonafone texting…T, gH, A, mN, jK, pqrS”…laughing ensues.

“Hey nonafone!  Just pay and get outta here!  What is that cash?”…more laughing.

“No, I don’t have change for a ten- nonafone (sigh).”

“Who? Jim?  Oh yeah, he’s a real nonafone, you’ll have to leave him a message; yes, voice mail still exists”

The etymological history of the word is from US English originally pronounced, “Non Iphone.”  The term morphed with the advent of additional smart phones and increased common usage.

A curt yet decisive shortening is also becoming popular as  just ‘Noner.”

So, enjoy the term.  I have found it is quick, insulting and degrading!  If used enough, it could move people to action.

Spinning- Not just for bitch asses anymore

Courtesy of http://alntv.wordpress.com/

I haven’t used the term ‘bitch ass’ in a long time; I might bring it back.

I have had the pleasure of being brutally beat down twice a week for the past several weeks.

It all started when my buddy, who also enjoys MTB, told me that spinning was actually a good work out and I should try. I called him a bitch then laughed and asked if he was hosting a Pampered Chef party next week.  He dared to come along for the next class.

What I found was surprising.

An hour of intense cardio with intervals of grueling anaerobic activity coupled with blacklight, rage-club-techno mix jarring the mind and soul.  It’s an experience as much as a workout.

Make no mistake, I’m fit (just ask me) but spin class sends me into waves of nausea, head spins and seemingly heart arrhythmia:  everything I look for in a good workout.

The sadomasochistic spin instructor seems to find pleasure in the sweat that puddles around the bike and the dizzy middle aged moms who run for the door in mid class.   She calls us out to raise our difficulty level while breathing regularly and dancing to the music; she doubles our effort without thinking twice.

For anyone looking to balance lifting and running with a no impact heart blasting, sweat fest try spinning.  It will go perfect with the More and Less Diet.

Even if you are a bitch ass.

Pools

Men: Stop Washing Your Hands After You Drain!

This little guy is just learning the ropes.

You are getting dirtier by washing your hands; especially if you enjoy an automatic flushing urinal at work.

Ahhhh, urine.  So many uses; so little time.  People used to use urine to clean, it’s tough on stains and even said to assist in alleviating athlete’s foot symptoms.

Urine is sterile.

Yes, it’s sterile.  It’s clean.  It won’t make you sick (although according to survival manuals it is not recommended for drinking due to its salt content.)

(See this link to Wiki’s Urine Facts)

So men, why, oh why do we wash our hands after visiting the urinal?

The truth is, unless your just a dirty person (which many of you are), the faucet handle is more germy than your genitalia.

As a matter of fact, there are a lot of dirtier things than your genitalia in your office.

You’d be better off washing your hands after touching your keyboard, break room sink or elevator button.

Just walk in the bathroom with your hands (and head) held high, pee, then leave in the same manner.  Don’t be influenced by your disgusted coworker’s glance, it’s he who is disgusting!

Embrace your urine, it’s probably one of the cleanest things you’ll come in contact with today.

For the tough guys that have the sticker of the cartoon character pissing on something they don’t like on the back of their truck; sorry hero.  Calvin is actually cleaning the item that you so despise.

Bold statement Dude, really tough, but piss is clean.
Photo courtesy: bumperwars.net (good website)

I had a physician buddy of mine read this post and he verified all the facts.  Be free from societal pressure, don’t wash in that nasty sink!

To avoid germs from all other office sources, you’ll either have to wear gloves or use hand-sanitizer about every 3 minutes.

I know you don’t wash before you brush your teeth….Nasty.

See the a germ study here:

http://www.multivu.com/mnr/56343-kimberly-clark-study-kitchens-break-rooms-crawling-with-bacteria-germs

Writing in Parentheticals – A Feminine Practice

There is little excuse for a man to use parenthetical faces in his correspondence.  Men should simply use words to convey intent and meaning, leaving the faces for the ladies or kids who don’t know better.

If you can’t say it with words, just don’t say it; hide your feelings- you’re better off that way than to use a pair of punctuation marks to make cute faces or figures.

I understand that humans have been using codes to communicate for ages, blah, blah blah.  Let me assure you, emoticons are not the direction we want to go.

I wish, for the purpose of convincing my audience, that I had a more concrete argument but I don’t.  Bottom line:  It’s really lame.

I am glad that emoticon use has seemed to drop.  This is all the more reason to give it up entirely, it’s no longer cool, it’s perfectly lame, or if not lame, feminine at best.

To read more on this strikingly sorry way to convey ideas, see the wiki site:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emoticon

Discipline versus Regret

I saw a plain, black and white sticker on the back of a pickup truck.  It read, “Discipline vs. Regret.”

That’s pretty much what it all comes down to doesn’t it?

Diet, splurge.  Exercise, sit. Save, spend.  Work, procrastinate. Relax, stress.

Its simple.  Either you are discplined or you will (should) regret it later.  This decision usually occurs in the little space in time between stimulus and response.  Think about that space and consciously make your choice.

Good luck.

 

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