Category Archives: Fitness

The Ever Popular Carmel Enema

Picture this hanging off your left ass cheek

Picture this hanging off your left ass cheek

Would it seem weird if someone you knew had a regular habit of sucking down a quart of ice-cream everyday?  What if I said I eat 4 donuts a day?

It  would be odd. It goes against human nature – people, I think, innately know that it is not very good for long-term health to walk around and eat quarts of ice-cream.

Introduce the Starbucks Carmel Flan Frappuccino (CFF) or any other Frappucinno for that matter.  It’s simply one of the worst (legal) daily habits you can do for yourself.

Lets take a comparative look, I’m hoping my chosen comparisons seem preposterous as a daily habit to most people.

A Dunkin Donuts Boston Kreme Donut has 16 grams of sugar.  The Grande CFF? 60.  Quick math says that’s 3.75 donuts worth of sugar.  3.75 donuts a day?  What about just a few times a week?  Terrible.

Mmm, how about some Baskin Robins Chocolate Ice Cream?  Sounds great for an occasional indulgence, right?  170 calories per serving.  CFF?  Twice that at 390 calories.  Who eats two servings of ice cream a few times a week?  If you do, you should stop.

The problem is that the Frappuccino has moved from the treat section of our brains to the daily allowance section. It’s also moving to our asses, gut, hips and thighs.

Just because a Frappuccino is a “drink” and its sold by a coffee place doesn’t mean it’s not like sucking a heart attack through a straw.

Start now, quit the CFFs and use the More and Less Diet.

Standardizing Garbage – The Problem of Adverse Selection

$1 chicken sandwiches, there are no secrets here

$1 chicken sandwiches, there are no secrets here

The next McDonald’s marketing campaign should be,”Guaranteed: The same shitty food that makes you fat and crap customer service Nationwide!”

There is nothing like a local burger, the local coffee shop can be exceptional. The problem is, you have to take risk to go- consumers have a known quantity in the chain restaurant or box store.

Customers keep going back to chains because they know what is coming.

Here is the rub, we [customers] might know the food is terrible [McDonalds] but we drive past the local place in order to avoid the surprise – be it good or bad.

It’s an abusive relationship.

As frustrating as this is, don’t blame yourself- it is a real theory of economics.  Adverse selection refers to a market process in which undesired results occur when buyers and sellers have asymmetric information (access to different information).  The crappy products or services are more likely to be selected- I’m over simplifying but you get it.

Next time you’re tempted to stop at McDonalds or go to Crapmart just because you know what you’re going to get, roll the dice and be surprised.

Ending Hunger One Whippit at a Time

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At my house we have a tradition, usually reserved for holidays and special occasions, with dessert my kids get a direct blast of tasty whip cream from the can.

I realize that this is a less than healthy exercise, but I deemed it acceptable because we only did it once in a while.

Not anymore!  It’s going to be 2-3 times a week now!

I was very pleased to find out that Americans everywhere can start sucking down canned whipped cream without feeling bad.  That’s right, the world’s most obese nation can now contribute to ending childhood hunger while inhaling aerated whole cream and sugar.

Other participating products include snack packs and canned manwich meat.

So look for the pushpin logo indicating the products where childhood hunger ends and start consuming, our nation’s hungry children will be thankful.

 

For more info:  http://www.childhungerendshere.com/

Thanks to John for the tip.

Step off my PB&J

Dream Team

The Dream Team

I got home late from work, my wife was heading out to meet her friends and the kids had to get to bed.  No dinner for me.

No problem.

I whipped out my old standby. America’s Favorite:  Peanut Butter and Jelly….mmmm.

I mentioned it to my buddy the next day and he gave me a rash of shit.  He laughed, “You ate what?”  “How old are you?”  “Was it on Wonder Bread?”

Fuck him.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches are not only good, they’re relatively good for you.

For 2 slices of bread, a serving of peanut butter and one of strawberry jam the nutrition value is:

  • Fat 18g
  • Sat Fat 2.5g
  • Sugar 19g
  • Carbs 46g
  • Protein 13g

Not bad.

I could’ve had a steak at 18.8 g of fat, 7.6 of which is saturated.  I guess that would’ve been manlier?

I could’ve had some pasta if I wanted to suck down 80g of carbs and 24g of fat.  Spare tire time.

How about a nice chicken breast you ask?  Well, the chicken breast blows us away with almost no fat, no carbs and 24g of protein.  The PB&J took me 5 minutes to make though.

All in all a PB&J is tasty, not unhealthy and lightening fast.

Step off bitch.

The Airborne Sham

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, mostly because kids have green snot running from their noses.

At the first sign of getting sick I increase my water intake, try to rest more, buy a half gallon of OJ and drink it from the carton, take vitamin C and Airborne Immune Support Supplement.

The only one of these that has a real price tag is Airborne.

Does it work? There is nothing to say it does; no studies support that it does anything for a cold.

It costs about $10 for 6 doses.

What a dumb-ass I am.

Read more:

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Health/story?id=1664514&page=1&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312#.ULq0lqVirzY

http://www.airbornehealth.com/how-it-works/

Merry Christmas, Bob by Chris Shugart

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Truth be told, I lose a bunch of motivation when winter creeps in but it sucks worse trying to get back once you’ve stopped.

Here is some rude inspiration for the holidays.

Copied, linked and truncated from T-Nation.com; Chris Shugart can also be found on Twitter, @chrisshugart where he tweets overly candid observations on life and fitness.

Enjoy…

Merry Christmas, Bob
by Chris Shugart

“So, what are you doing for a living these days?” Bob asked me. We’re sitting on the couch at one of those tedious holiday get-togethers, you know, the ones where you’re supposed to be nice to family members you never see except during major holidays and funerals. I think Bob is my wife’s brother-in-law’s second cousin or something.

“I’m the assistant editor and a writer for Testosterone magazine,” I say. Bob looks at me with a blank expression on his face, as if I’d just told him I sell handmade testicle warmers beside the freeway and was looking to open franchises across the nation.

“It’s a bodybuilding magazine,” I say.

Blank expression. Deer caught in the headlights. Ronnie Coleman doing trigonometry.

“Oh,” Bob finally says, “I heard you were, like, one of those bodybuilder guys or something. So, what’s that like, you know, working out every day and stuff? I just don’t have time to lift weights all day, but I have been meaning to get rid of this beer belly.” He takes another sip of beer. “What do you suggest?” Sip.

Bob continued to sit there drinking his Natural Light, smoking a cigarette and waiting for an answer, oblivious to the fact that he’d come this close to seeing some serious walnut- crunching ass power. I tried to figure out how I could explain to the average guy what the typical T-Man does and why he does it. How could I get him to understand what it is we do, how we feel, how we live? So I took a deep breath and told him something like this:

“Well, Bob, I guess you could use the term bodybuilder if you really need a label for what it is we do. Most of us actually don’t stand on stage and compete, though. We lift weights and manipulate our diets so that we’ll look good naked. Sure, it’s healthy too, and we’ll probably live a longer and more productive life than the average guy, but mostly it’s about the naked thing. Truthfully, it goes beyond even that.

“Let’s be honest here. We do it because of people like you, Bob. We look at you sitting there with your gut hanging over your belt and we watch you grunt and groan just getting out of a chair. Guys like you are our inspiration, Bob. You’re better than Anthony Robbins, Bill Phillips, Deepak Chopra, and Zig fucking Ziglar all wrapped up into one. We love it when guys like you talk about not having time to exercise. Every time we see you munching on a bag of potato chips, you inspire us. You’re my shot in the arm, Bob, my living and breathing wake-up call, my own personal success coach.

“You want to know what it is we do? We overcome. We’re too busy to train, too, but we overcome. We’re too busy to prepare healthy meals and eat them five or six times a day, but we overcome. We can’t always afford supplements, our genetics aren’t perfect, and we don’t always feel like going to the gym. Some of us used to be just like you, Bob, but guess what? We’ve overcome.

“We like to watch ‘normal’ people like you tell us about how they can’t get in shape. We smile and nod sympathetically like we feel your pain, but actually, we’re thinking that you’re a pathetic piece of shit that needs to grow a spine and join a gym. You smile sheepishly and say that you just can’t stay motivated and just can’t stand that feeling of being sore. (For some reason you think that admitting your weaknesses somehow justifies them.) We listen to you bitch and moan. We watch you look for the easy way out. Because of people like you, Bob, we never miss a workout.

“You ask us for advice about diet and training and usually we politely offer some guidance, but deep inside we know you won’t take our advice. You know that too. We smile and say, ‘Hope that helps. Good luck,’ but actually we’re thinking, ‘Boy, it would suck to be you.’ We know that 99% of people won’t listen to us. Once they hear that it takes hard work, sacrifice and discipline, they stop listening and tune us out.

“We know they wanted us to say that building a great body is easy, but it just isn’t. This did not take five minutes a day on a TorsoTrack. We did not get this way in 12 short weeks using a Bowflex and the Suzanne Somers’ ‘Get Skinny’ diet. A good body does not cost five easy payments of $39.95.

“We like it that while you’re eating a candy bar and drinking Mountain Dew, we’re sucking down a protein shake. You see, that makes it taste even better to us. While you’re asleep we’re either getting up early or staying up late, hitting the iron, pushing ourselves, learning, succeeding and failing and rising above the norm with every rep. Can you feel that, Bob? Can you relate? No? Good. This wouldn’t be half as fun if you could.

“We do it because we absolutely and totally get off on it. We do it because people like you, Bob, either can’t or won’t. We do it because what we do in the gym transfers over into the rest of our lives and changes us, physically, mentally, maybe even spiritually. We do it because it beats watching fishing and golf on TV. By the way, do you know what it’s like to turn the head of a beautiful woman because of the way you’re built? It feels good, Bob. Damned good.

“When we’re in the gym, we’re in this indescribable euphoria zone. It’s a feeling of being on, of being completely alive and aware. If you haven’t been there, then it’s like trying to describe color to a person who’s been blind since birth. Within this haze of pleasure and pain, there’s knowledge and power, self-discipline and self-reliance. If you do it long enough, Bob, there’s even enlightenment. Sometimes, the answers to questions you didn’t even know you had are sitting there on those rubber mats, wrapped up in a neat package of iron plates and bars.

“Want to lose that beer belly, Bob? I have a nutty idea. Put down the fucking beer. I’ll tell you what, Bob. Christmas morning I’m getting up real early and hitting the iron. I want to watch my daughter open her presents and spend the whole day with her, so this is the only time I have to train. The gym will be closed, so I’m going out in my garage to workout. You be at my house at six in the morning, okay? I’ll be glad to help you get started on a weight training program. It’ll be colder than Hillary Clinton’s coochie in there, so dress warm.

“But let me tell you something, Bob. If you don’t show up, don’t bother asking me again. And don’t you ever sit there and let me hear you bitch about your beer belly again. This is your chance, your big opportunity to break out of that rut. If you don’t show up, Bob, you’ve learned a very important lesson about yourself, haven’t you? You won’t like that lesson.

“You won’t like that feeling in the pit of your stomach either or that taste in your mouth. It will taste worse than defeat, Bob. Defeat tastes pretty goddamned nasty, but what you’ll be experiencing will be much worse. It will be the knowledge that you’re weak, mentally and physically. What’s worse is that you’ll have accepted that feeling. The feeling will always be with you. In the happiest moments of your life, it’ll be there, lying under the surface like a malignant tumor. Ignore it at your own peril, Bob.

“Don’t look at me like that either. This just may be the best Christmas present you’ll get this year. Next Christmas, Bob, when I see you again, I’m going to be a little bigger, a little stronger, and a little leaner. What will you be? Will you still be making excuses? This is a gift, Bob, from me to you. I’m giving you the chance to look fate in those pretty eyes of hers and say, ‘Step off, bitch. This is my party and you’re not invited.’ What do you say, Bob? Monday, Christmas morning, 6am, my house. The ball’s in your court.”

Okay, so maybe that’s not the exact words I used with Bob, but you get the picture. Will Bob show up Monday? I don’t know, but I kind of doubt it. In fact, Bob will probably take me off his Christmas card list. He probably thinks I’ve got “too much Testosterone,” like that’s a bad thing. I think Bob is just stuck in a rut, and as the saying goes, the only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.

The way out of the rut is to make major changes in your life, most of which won’t be too pleasant in the beginning. The opportunity to make those changes seldom comes as bluntly as I put it to Bob. Most of the time, that opportunity knocks very softly. What I did was basically give Bob a verbal slap in the face. You can react two ways to a slap. You can get angry at the person doing the slapping, or you can realize that he was just trying to get you to wake up and focus on what you really want and, more importantly, what it’ll take to get it.

If you’re a regular T-mag reader, I doubt you need to be called out like Bob. But maybe you’ve caught yourself slacking a little here lately. Maybe you’ve missed a few workouts or maybe you started a little too early on the usual holiday feasting, like, say, back in September. Just remember that the time to start working on that summer body is now. The time to get rid of those bad habits that hold you back in the gym is now. You want to look totally different by next Christmas? Start now. This isn’t because of the holidays or any corny New Year’s resolutions either. The best time is always now.

Christmas day I want you to enjoy being with your family and friends. I want you to open presents, sip a little eggnog and have a good meal. But if your regularily scheduled workout happens to fall on December 25th, what will you be doing at six o’clock that morning?

That’s what separates us from guys like Bob.

Running is a Team Sport

Running is a community.

I’ve noticed an alarming trend on the running trails; running is beginning to lack community.

I am usually suffering when I run, even so, I attempt eye contact with an oncoming runner and at least grunt, “hey.”

What I’ve received back over the past several months is nothing.  Only cowardly ‘look-aways’ or stoic ignores.

At races, runners are happy, they communicate, they laugh.  It’s a social event.  After a decent race, beer will be served and runners will exchange stories of that horrible hill, a cool piece of gear or the enduring heat.

Automatic Facebook posts from your run program don’t count.  Actually, between you and I, they are super lame.  Really.

Friends, let me lay this out for you:

When we are out on the road or the trail, we’re a team.  It’s us against them.

It’s us against the traffic, the wind, the sun.

It’s us against the gnats who are making a swimming pool in our eye sockets.

It’s us against the mileage and the pace.  It’s us against your goal.  That hill.  The rocks.  Your mind.

It’s us against the world.

Enjoy your run, be communal, enjoy the community.  At least say, “hi.”

Yogurt Wars

I don’t know this lady but she seems to like her yogurt.

Whatever happened to the days of Fruit at the Bottom versus Blended?

Now my choices are organic, pesticide, greek, active, inactive (I guess), bacteria filled, less bacteria, kids, kids special growth style, fruit at the bottom, or blended.  I have only ever seen low fat yogurt which leads me to believe that there is a fat yogurt that I just haven’t seen yet.

How is a man supposed to decide what to mix his granola with?  For my sister-in-law, I did some research:

Greek:  Healthier and tastier.  It’s got about half the sugar and more protein.  Read more.  Side note:  Dannon’s Greek yogurt is called ‘Oikos’ which means ‘House.’  I don’t get it.

Bacteria Rich:  We already discussed Dannon’s made up bacteria names.  Basically you can have live culture or not.  The cultures are the bacteria that ferments with the milk to make yogurt.  No one really knows how this started, some say that the bacteria first appeared on a plant and somehow came in contact with the milk, maybe some low hanging udders. Either way, it’s been around forever.  Live cultures are better.  Sometimes yogurt is heated after fermentation and the poor bacteria dies.  The bacteria helps in a number of ways.  It prevents yeast infections, that’s enough for me.

Kid varieties:  Yoplait makes a shit load of kid’s yogurts.  They have charactercentric themes, even gogurt.   The Dora yogurt beats out the Danimals on sugar by about 25%.  Everything else is about the same, that is, except for the allure of Dora.  Gogurt is the same stuff except for the terrible name and the mess that comes with eating yogurt out of a tube.  The organic Horizon’s Tuberz has basically the same nutritional value as well.  Then again, you get to pay more and show your friends that your kids eat organic.

Light n Fit:  Taste like crap, over fluffed.  No need for a nutritional comparison.

Some yogurts even come with the cereal or granola on top of the lid.

So in the end, Greek is good and so is bacteria; Dora beats Dannon.

I found this in my yogurt

Tasty.

I was at Sam’s Club a few weeks ago and they were trying to get people to eat samples of Activia.  I had never seen the substance before and was curious plus my kids really wanted some.

“It has healthy bacterias,” the attendant smiled.  It’s “bacteria.” but who’s counting?

The label proudly reads that Activia has Bifidus Regularis.  “Hmm,” I thought, “that sounds odd.”

“Is it safe for kids?” I asked.

The lady paused and I realized who I was asking, I walked on.

Turns out that Bifidus Regularis is a made up name by Dannon substituted for Bifidobacterium animalis, discovered in 1969, it is a bacteria that exists in many mammals.  Dannon markets the same bacteria with several different names depending on the country.  Studies show that it is supposed to be good for digestion; regardless of the name, I think.

Dannon claims that eating Activa yogurt every day for two weeks will provide enough bifidus regularis to help speed up intestinal transit time.  Finally a bacteria that will help speed my intestinal transit time!  Truly, a dream come true!  I thought bean burritos and travelling were the only solutions.

Dannon is also enjoying a class action lawsuit for these claims; the claimants are probably a bunch of tight wads.  I wonder if the ruling will be binding.

Read more here

The moral of the story?  An intestinal bacteria by any other name is still an intestinal bacteria.

Enjoy.

Lunchables; The Unfood

Be careful, may be a choking hazard.

Yes they are inexpensive, Yes they are convenient.  No, it doesn’t seem right.

I visited my daughter’s Kindergarten class for lunch, the girl next to her was eating a Nachos and Cheese Lunchable.  She plugged away at the chips, she didn’t like the cheese or the salsa.  Hopefully for her, snack time brings some joy because I don’t think she got what Michelle Obama was hoping for.

I did some research because I felt it was my duty to inform my readers about these mystery meals.

To start, their marketing is virtually impenetrable. After cruising around their website for a bit, I was ready to sit down and break open a “Chicken Dunks.”  This tasty combo has a few chicken nuggets (that will not be heated), a ketchup pack, a juice and (last but not least) an Airhead Taffy.   Blue Raspberry flavor no less.  This lunchable is so good that 45 people felt compelled to ‘Like” it on Facebook.  Puzzling.

The calories are low, the cost is low, the bad ingredients are pretty low so what gives?  Size.

Everything in a lunchable is a mini version of itself.  Many of the products look similar in size on the packaging but are really shrunken stand-ins.

Let’s take the Ham and Cheddar with crackers.  Kraft calls us to, “beat the lunchtime blues” with this pack.  I’m not sure your kid will have the strength to beat anything.  The entire meal is only 90 grams, about 3/4 the size of a medium banana.  The good news is it only has 120 Calories from fat, that’s just under a regular taco bell taco.

Sometimes as a parent you have to follow your gut (or in this case, your kid’s gut).  Feeding your kid a cold and fake deep dish pizza that they assemble themselves at the lunch table can’t be good even if it comes with two mini double stuff Oreos.

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