Category Archives: Everything Else

Kids Have Standards

I was wearing a Batman shirt yesterday.  It has the old-school logo on it.

Evan, my 9 year old neighbor-kid rolled up on his bike and asked, “You like Batman?”

“Yeah, I do.  He’s a solid dude, you?” I replied.  In truth, I don’t know anything about super heroes.

“No.  In the cartoons they draw him with long pointy ears,” he said.

“Yeah but he’s a super hero and he’s strong and stuff…a good guy.”

Evan looked off in the distance.  “Terrible,” he declared and rode away.

Was he talking about me or Batman?

Batman

Road Block’s Damnation

You might remember my posts about Barbie, “Dirty Blonds.”  Sweet girl, had a rough spot in life.

Anyway, my son got a GI Joe action figure for Christmas, his name is Road Block (the guy from the movie I refuse to see).  I’ve since started feeling really bad for Road Block even though his movie sucked so much.  He’s a decent dude who carries two large handguns all the time and he can’t bend his arms or legs.  Consider these difficult circumstances I’ve witnessed:

The Breakfast Nook

The Breakfast Nook

A relaxing dinner?  Not for Road Block.  This is turning out to be an Oscar Pistorius night.

Awkward Meeting

Awkward Meeting

My daughter introduced Road Block to Barbie’s friend, Skipper.  Awkward.

Road Block out for a Sunday cruise

Road Block and Barb out for a Sunday cruise

Yes, Barbie has a sweet ride but people just aren’t feeling it with all that road rage.

GI Joe turns 50 this week, been fighting tyranny and oppression since 1964.  This Road Block version is a poor substitute for the Joes of the past.  Maybe he is being punished for being in such a terrible movie.

Check out the Onion’s GI Joe 50 year timeline.

Standardizing Garbage – The Problem of Adverse Selection

$1 chicken sandwiches, there are no secrets here

$1 chicken sandwiches, there are no secrets here

The next McDonald’s marketing campaign should be,”Guaranteed: The same shitty food that makes you fat and crap customer service Nationwide!”

There is nothing like a local burger, the local coffee shop can be exceptional. The problem is, you have to take risk to go- consumers have a known quantity in the chain restaurant or box store.

Customers keep going back to chains because they know what is coming.

Here is the rub, we [customers] might know the food is terrible [McDonalds] but we drive past the local place in order to avoid the surprise – be it good or bad.

It’s an abusive relationship.

As frustrating as this is, don’t blame yourself- it is a real theory of economics.  Adverse selection refers to a market process in which undesired results occur when buyers and sellers have asymmetric information (access to different information).  The crappy products or services are more likely to be selected- I’m over simplifying but you get it.

Next time you’re tempted to stop at McDonalds or go to Crapmart just because you know what you’re going to get, roll the dice and be surprised.

Time Travelers

He lives in dog years so it's really late 'his' time

He lives in dog years so it’s really late ‘his’ time

Dave’s Rules: Adjust to whatever time zone you are in and STFU.

“Oh, I’m so tired, its 3am MY time.”

Really? Well, its the year 2052 my time.

Consistent revisitation of ‘your’ time zone doesn’t help anyone.

Jet lag is a real symptom of circadian rhythm disruption caused by traveling across timezones. Some coping mechanisms include exposure to daylight and drinking water (my answer to most ailments).

Help yourself by reading this useful bit of research.

Help others by not talking about ‘your’ time. No one cares.

Good Stories Have Endings – Do it for the fish

This fish demands a conclusion to your pitch

This fish demands a conclusion to your pitch

True story, there I was walking down the street and out of nowhere a Green Peace girl jumped out in front of me.  She was nice enough, not very clean but had a cool headband.

I enjoy listening to ‘sales’ pitches if the pitcher has some skills.

She was energetic, passionate about her cause (the eradication of unsustainable fishing). She met me with eye contact and immediately started on the problem (the why). She attempted to appeal to my humanity by talking about friendly Dolphins and Sea Turtles. You might remember, I like Dolphins.

Unfortunately, she got caught up in the moment. She went on about how Dolphins are treated in India (unrelated), how the nets are made (unnecessary), how long these boats spend fishing (unnecessary) and what happens to the turtles when they get caught (good detail if tied to a conclusion). She started strong but ended up all over the map.

She had no pay-off or conclusion, there was no ‘ask.’ The conversation fizzled out and after an awkward minute, I asked, “so what do you want me to do?”

“Join” she said.

“Oh sorry, I liked your story but I just don’t see the connection…and I can’t join terrorist organizations because of my job.” I left and went to Starbucks.

Always end your pitch, brief or delivery with a tangible ending. The payoff, “I told you all this because I want you to do that.” If you do it right, the pay off is apparent and the audience is lining up to help solve the problem.

Join me in the fight against unsustainable conversations.

Booyah is Back!

Tiger has every reason to yell Booyah.  The nation (and Nike) have forgiven you.

Tiger has every reason to yell Booyah. The nation (and Nike) have forgiven you.

Its official: The term ‘Booyah’ is back and it has little to do with Tiger Woods.

I’m happy to say booyah hasn’t left my lexicon since 1992ish – 22 years and going strong. My coworkers and family can attest to my loyal usage.

Turns out, the use of booyah is at an all time high and we can only expect it to skyrocket as a result of being published right here on T&R. Reference google word stats.

For those of you who are boo-curious and want to get started right away, here are a few of my favorite uses:

  • Dennis Rodman checks himself into rehab after his visit with Stinky Pete Jong Un…Booyah!
  • My kid:”Dad, why does metal rust?”  Me: “When water hits iron, it mixes with carbon dioxide in the air. This mix creates a weak carbonic acid, an electrolyte that starts to dissolve the iron. The dissolved iron then combines with the oxygen freed from the water. These two compounds combine to create iron oxide, or rust. Booyah, Dad knows everything sucka!”
  • Drone strike…booyah!
  • Booyah, its a little chilly out.

According to The American Slang Dictionary, the term is often combined with the Ice Man volleyball style arm pump. I can dig it.

For those of you who have not been afraid to continue its use, I commend you.

For those of you that are willing to get your foot in the door on this about-to-be-viral trend, congratulations.

Booyah!

Wasted Breath

How was the flight?

Truth is, it was fine but I’ll do us both a favor and spare you the answer.

I waited for my baggage the other day and had to listen to some lady tell her friend the details of what was a mundane trip.  Turns out she had to walk a little bit to meet her connecting flight.  She also was apparently the only one on our flight who experienced a ”hard landing.”

Why not just eat another bag of peanuts and shut your freaking mouth?

What is the function of idle chit chat?  Does it fill the silence?  Serve as an ice breaker?  It’s unneeded, there is way too much comical, important or necessary things to talk about.

Next time, save the useless banter and talk about the good shit.

The Brands That Own Me

amazonapple hiltonstarbucks

I don’t like or trust corporations but I love capitalism. I relentlessly fight against marketing but I ‘believe’ in some brands. Why? The reasons are listed below but the bigger reason is that they have maintained a decent standard of quality while ensuring personalized customer service.

Apple: Their stuff just works and better yet, it all works together. I’m a family man and the fact that our phones, laptop, tablet and TV device all work together and work every time makes me a believer. Call them if you have a problem, they give a shit.

Starbucks: I think the environment inside a Starbucks is nauseating and artificial It’s garbage and I’m almost 100% sure I don’t agree with the founders or workers politically or morally. All that being said, a freshly brewed Pikes Place is the best cup of coffee I can get. I travel so I try local coffee as much as I can. Most every other cup of coffee I have had sucks compared to a Pikes Place. They’re consistent and that’s why large chains dominate. They actually train their employees too, nice touch.

Hilton: First off, the Embassy Suites is smart enough to offer the government rate in every city I go to. Second, they have a free, real breakfast (I’m not talking about those fucking Belgium waffles) and free boos every night; can you beat that? Yes you can. Third, they have a great rewards plan. I earn free stays and status quickly. You got me Conrad Hilton, nicely done.

Amazon: Dear Amazon, you have made it too easy for me to buy exactly what I need anytime. I am a Prime Member; you sold me ‘free’ shipping and other nice benefits. You have reduced my trips to Walmart and department stores by 87%. Thank you. I even own kindles and borrow books for free. On a few occasions I have had to call or chat with you; Hamza, you are now on my Christmas card list.

Someone Died Here

This family has problems of their own.

This family has problems of their own.

Sometimes I drive through the country and when I do, I see signs like this but in better English.

They’re funeral home signs asking me to drive slow because someone from a family that lives on this 100 meter part of the road died recently.

I’ll slow down because the sign asked me to.  But why?

Why do grieving people need me to drive slower?

Is it because there are more pedestrians around and we don’t want to add anyone to the party?

Is it because cars aren’t as loud when they are driven slow?

I don’t understand why I need to slow down; but I do.  Rest in Peace.

Ending Hunger One Whippit at a Time

IMG_5488

At my house we have a tradition, usually reserved for holidays and special occasions, with dessert my kids get a direct blast of tasty whip cream from the can.

I realize that this is a less than healthy exercise, but I deemed it acceptable because we only did it once in a while.

Not anymore!  It’s going to be 2-3 times a week now!

I was very pleased to find out that Americans everywhere can start sucking down canned whipped cream without feeling bad.  That’s right, the world’s most obese nation can now contribute to ending childhood hunger while inhaling aerated whole cream and sugar.

Other participating products include snack packs and canned manwich meat.

So look for the pushpin logo indicating the products where childhood hunger ends and start consuming, our nation’s hungry children will be thankful.

 

For more info:  http://www.childhungerendshere.com/

Thanks to John for the tip.

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