Tag Archives: diet

Step off my PB&J

Dream Team

The Dream Team

I got home late from work, my wife was heading out to meet her friends and the kids had to get to bed.  No dinner for me.

No problem.

I whipped out my old standby. America’s Favorite:  Peanut Butter and Jelly….mmmm.

I mentioned it to my buddy the next day and he gave me a rash of shit.  He laughed, “You ate what?”  “How old are you?”  “Was it on Wonder Bread?”

Fuck him.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches are not only good, they’re relatively good for you.

For 2 slices of bread, a serving of peanut butter and one of strawberry jam the nutrition value is:

  • Fat 18g
  • Sat Fat 2.5g
  • Sugar 19g
  • Carbs 46g
  • Protein 13g

Not bad.

I could’ve had a steak at 18.8 g of fat, 7.6 of which is saturated.  I guess that would’ve been manlier?

I could’ve had some pasta if I wanted to suck down 80g of carbs and 24g of fat.  Spare tire time.

How about a nice chicken breast you ask?  Well, the chicken breast blows us away with almost no fat, no carbs and 24g of protein.  The PB&J took me 5 minutes to make though.

All in all a PB&J is tasty, not unhealthy and lightening fast.

Step off bitch.

Merry Christmas, Bob by Chris Shugart

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Truth be told, I lose a bunch of motivation when winter creeps in but it sucks worse trying to get back once you’ve stopped.

Here is some rude inspiration for the holidays.

Copied, linked and truncated from T-Nation.com; Chris Shugart can also be found on Twitter, @chrisshugart where he tweets overly candid observations on life and fitness.

Enjoy…

Merry Christmas, Bob
by Chris Shugart

“So, what are you doing for a living these days?” Bob asked me. We’re sitting on the couch at one of those tedious holiday get-togethers, you know, the ones where you’re supposed to be nice to family members you never see except during major holidays and funerals. I think Bob is my wife’s brother-in-law’s second cousin or something.

“I’m the assistant editor and a writer for Testosterone magazine,” I say. Bob looks at me with a blank expression on his face, as if I’d just told him I sell handmade testicle warmers beside the freeway and was looking to open franchises across the nation.

“It’s a bodybuilding magazine,” I say.

Blank expression. Deer caught in the headlights. Ronnie Coleman doing trigonometry.

“Oh,” Bob finally says, “I heard you were, like, one of those bodybuilder guys or something. So, what’s that like, you know, working out every day and stuff? I just don’t have time to lift weights all day, but I have been meaning to get rid of this beer belly.” He takes another sip of beer. “What do you suggest?” Sip.

Bob continued to sit there drinking his Natural Light, smoking a cigarette and waiting for an answer, oblivious to the fact that he’d come this close to seeing some serious walnut- crunching ass power. I tried to figure out how I could explain to the average guy what the typical T-Man does and why he does it. How could I get him to understand what it is we do, how we feel, how we live? So I took a deep breath and told him something like this:

“Well, Bob, I guess you could use the term bodybuilder if you really need a label for what it is we do. Most of us actually don’t stand on stage and compete, though. We lift weights and manipulate our diets so that we’ll look good naked. Sure, it’s healthy too, and we’ll probably live a longer and more productive life than the average guy, but mostly it’s about the naked thing. Truthfully, it goes beyond even that.

“Let’s be honest here. We do it because of people like you, Bob. We look at you sitting there with your gut hanging over your belt and we watch you grunt and groan just getting out of a chair. Guys like you are our inspiration, Bob. You’re better than Anthony Robbins, Bill Phillips, Deepak Chopra, and Zig fucking Ziglar all wrapped up into one. We love it when guys like you talk about not having time to exercise. Every time we see you munching on a bag of potato chips, you inspire us. You’re my shot in the arm, Bob, my living and breathing wake-up call, my own personal success coach.

“You want to know what it is we do? We overcome. We’re too busy to train, too, but we overcome. We’re too busy to prepare healthy meals and eat them five or six times a day, but we overcome. We can’t always afford supplements, our genetics aren’t perfect, and we don’t always feel like going to the gym. Some of us used to be just like you, Bob, but guess what? We’ve overcome.

“We like to watch ‘normal’ people like you tell us about how they can’t get in shape. We smile and nod sympathetically like we feel your pain, but actually, we’re thinking that you’re a pathetic piece of shit that needs to grow a spine and join a gym. You smile sheepishly and say that you just can’t stay motivated and just can’t stand that feeling of being sore. (For some reason you think that admitting your weaknesses somehow justifies them.) We listen to you bitch and moan. We watch you look for the easy way out. Because of people like you, Bob, we never miss a workout.

“You ask us for advice about diet and training and usually we politely offer some guidance, but deep inside we know you won’t take our advice. You know that too. We smile and say, ‘Hope that helps. Good luck,’ but actually we’re thinking, ‘Boy, it would suck to be you.’ We know that 99% of people won’t listen to us. Once they hear that it takes hard work, sacrifice and discipline, they stop listening and tune us out.

“We know they wanted us to say that building a great body is easy, but it just isn’t. This did not take five minutes a day on a TorsoTrack. We did not get this way in 12 short weeks using a Bowflex and the Suzanne Somers’ ‘Get Skinny’ diet. A good body does not cost five easy payments of $39.95.

“We like it that while you’re eating a candy bar and drinking Mountain Dew, we’re sucking down a protein shake. You see, that makes it taste even better to us. While you’re asleep we’re either getting up early or staying up late, hitting the iron, pushing ourselves, learning, succeeding and failing and rising above the norm with every rep. Can you feel that, Bob? Can you relate? No? Good. This wouldn’t be half as fun if you could.

“We do it because we absolutely and totally get off on it. We do it because people like you, Bob, either can’t or won’t. We do it because what we do in the gym transfers over into the rest of our lives and changes us, physically, mentally, maybe even spiritually. We do it because it beats watching fishing and golf on TV. By the way, do you know what it’s like to turn the head of a beautiful woman because of the way you’re built? It feels good, Bob. Damned good.

“When we’re in the gym, we’re in this indescribable euphoria zone. It’s a feeling of being on, of being completely alive and aware. If you haven’t been there, then it’s like trying to describe color to a person who’s been blind since birth. Within this haze of pleasure and pain, there’s knowledge and power, self-discipline and self-reliance. If you do it long enough, Bob, there’s even enlightenment. Sometimes, the answers to questions you didn’t even know you had are sitting there on those rubber mats, wrapped up in a neat package of iron plates and bars.

“Want to lose that beer belly, Bob? I have a nutty idea. Put down the fucking beer. I’ll tell you what, Bob. Christmas morning I’m getting up real early and hitting the iron. I want to watch my daughter open her presents and spend the whole day with her, so this is the only time I have to train. The gym will be closed, so I’m going out in my garage to workout. You be at my house at six in the morning, okay? I’ll be glad to help you get started on a weight training program. It’ll be colder than Hillary Clinton’s coochie in there, so dress warm.

“But let me tell you something, Bob. If you don’t show up, don’t bother asking me again. And don’t you ever sit there and let me hear you bitch about your beer belly again. This is your chance, your big opportunity to break out of that rut. If you don’t show up, Bob, you’ve learned a very important lesson about yourself, haven’t you? You won’t like that lesson.

“You won’t like that feeling in the pit of your stomach either or that taste in your mouth. It will taste worse than defeat, Bob. Defeat tastes pretty goddamned nasty, but what you’ll be experiencing will be much worse. It will be the knowledge that you’re weak, mentally and physically. What’s worse is that you’ll have accepted that feeling. The feeling will always be with you. In the happiest moments of your life, it’ll be there, lying under the surface like a malignant tumor. Ignore it at your own peril, Bob.

“Don’t look at me like that either. This just may be the best Christmas present you’ll get this year. Next Christmas, Bob, when I see you again, I’m going to be a little bigger, a little stronger, and a little leaner. What will you be? Will you still be making excuses? This is a gift, Bob, from me to you. I’m giving you the chance to look fate in those pretty eyes of hers and say, ‘Step off, bitch. This is my party and you’re not invited.’ What do you say, Bob? Monday, Christmas morning, 6am, my house. The ball’s in your court.”

Okay, so maybe that’s not the exact words I used with Bob, but you get the picture. Will Bob show up Monday? I don’t know, but I kind of doubt it. In fact, Bob will probably take me off his Christmas card list. He probably thinks I’ve got “too much Testosterone,” like that’s a bad thing. I think Bob is just stuck in a rut, and as the saying goes, the only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.

The way out of the rut is to make major changes in your life, most of which won’t be too pleasant in the beginning. The opportunity to make those changes seldom comes as bluntly as I put it to Bob. Most of the time, that opportunity knocks very softly. What I did was basically give Bob a verbal slap in the face. You can react two ways to a slap. You can get angry at the person doing the slapping, or you can realize that he was just trying to get you to wake up and focus on what you really want and, more importantly, what it’ll take to get it.

If you’re a regular T-mag reader, I doubt you need to be called out like Bob. But maybe you’ve caught yourself slacking a little here lately. Maybe you’ve missed a few workouts or maybe you started a little too early on the usual holiday feasting, like, say, back in September. Just remember that the time to start working on that summer body is now. The time to get rid of those bad habits that hold you back in the gym is now. You want to look totally different by next Christmas? Start now. This isn’t because of the holidays or any corny New Year’s resolutions either. The best time is always now.

Christmas day I want you to enjoy being with your family and friends. I want you to open presents, sip a little eggnog and have a good meal. But if your regularily scheduled workout happens to fall on December 25th, what will you be doing at six o’clock that morning?

That’s what separates us from guys like Bob.

Yogurt Wars

I don’t know this lady but she seems to like her yogurt.

Whatever happened to the days of Fruit at the Bottom versus Blended?

Now my choices are organic, pesticide, greek, active, inactive (I guess), bacteria filled, less bacteria, kids, kids special growth style, fruit at the bottom, or blended.  I have only ever seen low fat yogurt which leads me to believe that there is a fat yogurt that I just haven’t seen yet.

How is a man supposed to decide what to mix his granola with?  For my sister-in-law, I did some research:

Greek:  Healthier and tastier.  It’s got about half the sugar and more protein.  Read more.  Side note:  Dannon’s Greek yogurt is called ‘Oikos’ which means ‘House.’  I don’t get it.

Bacteria Rich:  We already discussed Dannon’s made up bacteria names.  Basically you can have live culture or not.  The cultures are the bacteria that ferments with the milk to make yogurt.  No one really knows how this started, some say that the bacteria first appeared on a plant and somehow came in contact with the milk, maybe some low hanging udders. Either way, it’s been around forever.  Live cultures are better.  Sometimes yogurt is heated after fermentation and the poor bacteria dies.  The bacteria helps in a number of ways.  It prevents yeast infections, that’s enough for me.

Kid varieties:  Yoplait makes a shit load of kid’s yogurts.  They have charactercentric themes, even gogurt.   The Dora yogurt beats out the Danimals on sugar by about 25%.  Everything else is about the same, that is, except for the allure of Dora.  Gogurt is the same stuff except for the terrible name and the mess that comes with eating yogurt out of a tube.  The organic Horizon’s Tuberz has basically the same nutritional value as well.  Then again, you get to pay more and show your friends that your kids eat organic.

Light n Fit:  Taste like crap, over fluffed.  No need for a nutritional comparison.

Some yogurts even come with the cereal or granola on top of the lid.

So in the end, Greek is good and so is bacteria; Dora beats Dannon.

I found this in my yogurt

Tasty.

I was at Sam’s Club a few weeks ago and they were trying to get people to eat samples of Activia.  I had never seen the substance before and was curious plus my kids really wanted some.

“It has healthy bacterias,” the attendant smiled.  It’s “bacteria.” but who’s counting?

The label proudly reads that Activia has Bifidus Regularis.  “Hmm,” I thought, “that sounds odd.”

“Is it safe for kids?” I asked.

The lady paused and I realized who I was asking, I walked on.

Turns out that Bifidus Regularis is a made up name by Dannon substituted for Bifidobacterium animalis, discovered in 1969, it is a bacteria that exists in many mammals.  Dannon markets the same bacteria with several different names depending on the country.  Studies show that it is supposed to be good for digestion; regardless of the name, I think.

Dannon claims that eating Activa yogurt every day for two weeks will provide enough bifidus regularis to help speed up intestinal transit time.  Finally a bacteria that will help speed my intestinal transit time!  Truly, a dream come true!  I thought bean burritos and travelling were the only solutions.

Dannon is also enjoying a class action lawsuit for these claims; the claimants are probably a bunch of tight wads.  I wonder if the ruling will be binding.

Read more here

The moral of the story?  An intestinal bacteria by any other name is still an intestinal bacteria.

Enjoy.

Introducing a New Diet to the World’s Fattest Nation!

The More and Less Diet can work for you too!

After much research and tireless experimentation I am happy to say I have come up with a diet that could change the fact that our Nation is the fattest nation in the world; facts cited below.

Yes, we are the fattest; but I have a solution.

It’s called the More and Less Diet.  The problem is that it’s not catchy, like the Paleo Diet that focuses on eating food that neanderthals eat (by the way, you don’t have Celiac Disease, only 1% of the nation does.)  It’s not chic like the South Beach Diet that focuses on eating donuts and meat.  There is no TV show to support it like the Biggest Loser Diet.

I need a way for the cool kids to talk about it at the water cooler.  I need something for the chubby moms to talk about at the pool.  It’s too simple to write a best selling book about it.  What can I do?

Well, here it is:  Exercise more and eat less.

That’s right, that’s all there is to it, eat less and exercise more or vice versa (that’s Latin for the other way around).

Nothing to obsess over, nothing to talk about really; just eat less and exercise more.  Do this for several weeks, it will change your life.  If you’re really chubby, add the term ‘a lot’ in the middle of each aspect of the diet.

I understand that there are exceptions, but before you charge ahead with the Paleo Diet, rush off to Fresh Market to ‘gather’ your food like the neanderthals, please try the More and Less Diet.  Once you lose enough to where you really have to pay attention to your input, then by all means, read the books, buy the plan and go hunting and gathering!  For now, save your money and go for More and Less.

It will get us, as a nation, started in the right direction.  I personally, would like to beat out the UK who places at a lean number 7.

Fattest Developed Nations:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/22/obesity-rates-rising-developed-fattest-world_n_1294212.html#s716405&title=10_Finland

A comparison of ‘Best Diets’:  http://health.usnews.com/best-diet/best-overall-diets  (Strangely enough, the More and Less Diet not included but each diet listed basically uses these tenants.

Picture courtesy of T Nation.